Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can always count on me to feel you up when you're feeling down

   If you say "I shouldn't be telling you this" at the beginning of a conversation people will pay attention to you.

   There are as many white rappers as there are black country singers and for the same reason .

   Have you ever been to Columbia ? 2 biggest exports are coffee and cocaine.. and the place still looks like crap. You're gonna be up all night anyways, pick up a broom once in a while.

   Obozo is no longer President. President TRUMP

   That women's march looked like a 200,000 bagger...

   Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.

   This country needed a good weeding out. And Trump is the one who brought the weed whacker.

   Good lord if you just have to reissue a 20 year old joke, at least get the punchline correct. It's Kareema Wheat, not Kareem of Wheat. God Almighty!

   why call it a tree trimmer and not branch manager

   "Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French person would say after a really raunchy fart.

   Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.

   *smashes bag of Oreos and pours it on salad* Eating healthy is great

   Not ALL politicians are liars. Some of them actually believe the stupid crap they say...

   In other news, Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam. His new name is Kareem of Wheat.

   I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn't actually catch the murder on video?lol

   We all live in a yellow submarine

   So Donald Trump has been president for about a week. Now you know how the other half felt like when Obama was our president for the last eight years.....

   Children's berry flavored delsym on the rocks... For when you're sick but still want a drink to sip on.

   I ate so many Mcdonalds breakfast sandwiches this morning I'm turning into a stud McMuffin.