Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The one good thing Joe Biden will experience on Inauguration Day is that he'll no longer be 2nd banana.

   Let's make humility great again.

   Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.

   every guy has got that one pair of socks with a hole and that big toe sticking out.

   The only thing to believe in is to not believe in anything.

   Cops think they are so cool, driving around in their flashy cars

   Many people are afraid of heights. Not me, though. I'm afraid of widths.

   I'm the proud grandfather of a new baby boy. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

   Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

   Conflicted about Dems boycotting inauguration. On one hand, Trump hasn't earned their respect. But on the other, they'll miss 3 Doors Down!

   I had so much Chinese food for breakfast I can barely wok

   The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.

   I have a very short attention span. Sometimes I bacon is delicious

   I'm so glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I don't even know where sandwiches live

   I've just clicked on my phone's front camera by mistake, Yoh never been this terrified in my life!!!

   Did Lindsay Lohan Convert to Islam? If so she could assemble her suicide vest from all of those horrible movies she has made over her career.. Bombs.. get it..

   when I was 5 years old my teacher asked if I wanted to take the class guinea pig home ;.. 7 months later I arrived in the African republic of Guinea .

   I got home tonight and my girlfriend had on this little slinky outfit. which only really worked when she went down stairs .

   Too bad after 146 yrs Ringling Brothers Circus is closing. Well, there is always Facebook. . .

   I went to a museum and it had all the heads from the statues in other museums .