Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Many people are afraid of heights. Not me, though. I'm afraid of widths.

   I'm the proud grandfather of a new baby boy. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

   Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

   Conflicted about Dems boycotting inauguration. On one hand, Trump hasn't earned their respect. But on the other, they'll miss 3 Doors Down!

   I had so much Chinese food for breakfast I can barely wok

   The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.

   I have a very short attention span. Sometimes I bacon is delicious

   I'm so glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I don't even know where sandwiches live

   I've just clicked on my phone's front camera by mistake, Yoh never been this terrified in my life!!!

   Did Lindsay Lohan Convert to Islam? If so she could assemble her suicide vest from all of those horrible movies she has made over her career.. Bombs.. get it..

   when I was 5 years old my teacher asked if I wanted to take the class guinea pig home ;.. 7 months later I arrived in the African republic of Guinea .

   I got home tonight and my girlfriend had on this little slinky outfit. which only really worked when she went down stairs .

   Too bad after 146 yrs Ringling Brothers Circus is closing. Well, there is always Facebook. . .

   I went to a museum and it had all the heads from the statues in other museums .

   I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa....Well I think it is a scam!!! Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving!!!!

   Nice try, Tom Selleck, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived at Robin Masters Mansion for like eight years

   The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.

   The reason Dolphins fans hate Patriots fans is because the Pats are superior in every way imaginable. Including year after year.

   My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make me breakfast.

   I haven’t seen the Democrats so angry since the Republicans took away their slaves