Funny Status Messages

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy @$$."

   I'm gonna build a fence, how do I get my neighbors to pay for it? Asking for a friend

   If Pictionary is where you draw pictures then what’s Dictionary.

   YouTube: Domestically educating the public since 2005

   Beyonce's twins will never have to work a day in their life. She should name one of them Lay-Z.

   If you think about it, to come clean is not an option. . .

   I don't think allowing the mentally I'll people to obtain guns is making America great. Now I don't feel safe anymore.

   If your afraid to leave your teenage daughter home with your boyfriend then you may want to rethink ur relationship..

   NEVER EXPECT A WOMAN TO PLAY HER PART, IF YOU STILL HAVE OTHER WOMEN AUDITIONING FOR HER ROLE'

   NEWS FLASH If you bomb your home and kill all the roaches that live there .... in the roach world you are considered a terrorist.

   Beyonce should really stick it to Trump by going ahead with the abortion

   I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

   "Dating" is an anachronistic, nebulous means of defining a relationship. All it means is both parties are duping each other into some degree of permanency. Wait...that's marriage. I meant marriage.

   Have you ever wondered if there is such a thing as identical twins in zebras?

   pretty sure my girlfriend got her superpowers from being bit by a radioactive female dog.

   Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..

   Why does this day just keep repeating itself?

   Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

   If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren't there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?

   I reenacted the romantic scene from "Lady and the Tramp", but it wasn't what I expected; my dog ate all the spaghetti.