Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   (Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.

   If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods would someone else make a sound?

   There's a thin line between Nirmal and Crazy people , and that line is usually cocaine

   Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in

   My neighbor asked me to watch her cats while she was out of town. I replaced all the cat litter with Pop Rocks. Now we wait.

   I'm pretty sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   I know I am a guy but stopping offended when I try to breast-feed in public. Besides, it helps my dog and I bond better

   There's a fine line between crazy & free spiirited and it's usually a prescription.

   You know we're on the right track when the American nation trust Russia .... More than they trust the Democrat Party.

   My girlfriend said she wants our relationship to be like a fairy-tale. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.

   If psychics and palm readers knew anything they'd have hand washing stations.

   Sorry Boss, I can't work I've got too much on my plate right now. You'll have to ask someone else. *Googles 'do koalas go to heaven'*

   NO I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.

   I’m pretty sure if my dog could talk his most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   Hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium.

   sometimes I still wish I had Jessie's Girl.

   Gotten excited for nothing thinking she was touching herself under the covers but she was actually just opening a Kit Kat she didn't wanna share.

   I'm sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.