Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon 'All you need is love.' and an IQ low enough to believe that....
←Rate | 02-09-2017 10:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know you're lowering expectations when you no longer care about raising a Pres. but someone who can flush a toilet.
←Rate | 02-09-2017 10:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It took me 2 and a half years of feeding my cat to realize I don't own a cat..
←Rate | 02-08-2017 23:53 by Platt Ave Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do so many people go out of their way to move to our country ..... then complain that they find our way of life offensive.
←Rate | 02-08-2017 23:52 Comments (3)  


   messageicon The lesbians next door gave my a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."
←Rate | 02-08-2017 22:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just save $329.99 from not buying 30 vials of Restasis for dry eyes by having someone come by my house three times a day and poke me in the eyes...
←Rate | 02-08-2017 21:07 by JAB Comments (0)  


   messageicon Desert is different from Dessert. You can have as many desserts as you want, but you can only stand in one desert at a time, the english laungauge will get you every time. . .
←Rate | 02-08-2017 21:01 by JAB Comments (0)  


   messageicon I started my new Kris Kristofferson diet this morning. A beer for breakfast and another one for desert .
←Rate | 02-08-2017 20:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I tried killing a spider with a can of cheap hairspray. Now it smokes two packs a day, joined a bowling league, wears blue eye shadow and calls itself Brenda.
←Rate | 02-08-2017 20:14 by Mickey Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.
←Rate | 02-08-2017 20:02 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hillary lost, get over yourselves....
←Rate | 02-08-2017 18:43 by GR Comments (0)  


   messageicon If it wasn't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
←Rate | 02-08-2017 18:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There should be a sign at every red light that reads "Selfie Center and Facebook check in area" .... you know, just to make it official.
←Rate | 02-08-2017 11:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How the heck did America go from "E Pluribus Unum" to .... "E Unibus Plurum?"
←Rate | 02-08-2017 11:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I went to a karaoke bar last night that only played music from the 1970’s. I didn’t want to sing but they handed me the mic. At first I was afraid. I was petrified. And I spent the night thinking how my friends did me wrong but I grew strong and I lea
←Rate | 02-08-2017 11:08 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
←Rate | 02-08-2017 10:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So Obama likes surfing. That PROVES he's more in touch with his white side. Blacks are afraid of the water.
←Rate | 02-08-2017 10:25 by Clem Diddlyiscious Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just found out that my girlfriend is really BAD at cooking .... She just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.
←Rate | 02-08-2017 10:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I went to a karaoke bar last night that refused to play songs from the 70's. At first I was afraid,I was petrified.
←Rate | 02-08-2017 09:47 by Cicci Comments (0)  


   messageicon ... Well, I guess we now know what happens when social media is your only source of thought and conscience devoid of any common sense!
←Rate | 02-08-2017 09:46 Comments (0)  




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