Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My co worker asked if I could help file some documents. I said I was working on a huge project while she watched me play solitaire.

   If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your relationship status to 'single' and wait 5 minutes.

   Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.

   Guys, she makes you guess what's wrong, so you unknowingly give her other sh!t to be mad about too.

   I wish people were like money,so you could hold them up to the light to see which one's are real and which one's are fake.

   I don't mind if you play hard to get, as long as you don't play hard to get rid of.

   In hindsight, saying "goochie goochie goo" while tickling my girlfriend's clitoris was probably a bad idea.

   This morning a girl on my friends list wrote as her Facebook status "F*CKING PHONE!!!" I'll admit now that asking "Can I watch?" was not really my smartest choice.

   How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? I don't f*ckin' know ask Hugh Hefner

   I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 15 teeth or less!

   Sometimes it takes a friend to tell you to get your head out of your ass, here's to you my friend!

   My colleague just told me that her grandmother or cat or something just died... the booger in her nose was so huge I couldn't focus.

   I just saw a woman in a pair of Daisy Dukes. Unfortunately, she looked like Boss Hogg.

   If I call Customer Service, and they say, “This call is being recorded for training purposes,” I make sure to say “motherf*cker” a lot. I'm sure they don't get enough training on that.

   It's weird how a crazy white woman gets away with murder and we STILL don't know who killed Tupac o.O

   Please, smart people, stop getting out of jury duty.

   I hope the penalty for providing false information to law enforcement officers includes sterilization.

   Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos.

   Yesterday: Blew up some stuff by using illegal fireworks, drank too much beer, drove too fast., fired a gun. Ahhhh, Freedom America style!

   I sincerely hope you get stung by a jelly fish so I can finally pee on you without having to explain myself to the authorities.