Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow. Dramatic drop in crime today.

   you know, you all should have went out and voted for Hillary... We damn near had the blacks back to picking cotton... smh

   You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   A woman with her tongue pierced reminds me of Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

   My wife said she wanted to watch Naked and Afraid. So I got naked and she got afraid. FML.

   Never mix Viagra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.

   I've decided I'm going to stop getting stressed and start causing it instead.

   When preparing a PowerPoint presentation for a big meeting, it is important to keep things simple enough that even a manager can understand it.

   I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

   If I've learned anything from social media, it's that we live on a planet that's disproportionately filled with inhabitants in possession of single digit IQ's.

   Kim Kardashian's marriage with Kris Humphries lasted longer than Michael Flynn in the White House.

   A German Shepherd named Rumor won the Westminster Dog Show. He will now be breed...aka spreading Rumors.

   ....... Rise of the Machines!!!! I just got replaced by a freakin Robot!!!! Well ... Technically my wife bought a vibrator but I still call it a Freakin Robot!

   Fighting online is so stupid .... I mean .... What are you gonna do? ..... Busta CAPS LOCK on me?

   Why is Trump telling you to buy a line of clothing an ethics violation, but Obama forcing you to buy health insurance is totally OK?

   Well I guess in nine months we will find out which of you were naughty and who was nice.

   Gee, Judging by the lack of smiles on peoples faces today .... A lot of Valentine's wishes went unanswered.

   Getting a bit tired of all of this McCarthyism passing itself off as news in America.

   For those of you who didn't get the V or the D yesterday, Happy alentine's ay.