Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   #marriage Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

   Congratulations to Marijuana for winning more states than Hillary .

   The election in a nutshell: We let the p*ssies play pin the tail on the donkey for a while, then shut the party down.

   Congrats to Alec Baldwin on securing a steady gig for the next 4 yrs.

   I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.

   My doctor said he's been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?

   Donald Trump says he's only taking $1.00 a year as President. We could have had Hillary for $.77

   I haven't seen Democrats this pissed since they were forced to free their slaves.

   Wait, the Goo Goo Dolls and Gin Blossoms aren't the same group??

   Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?

   With a great @$$ come a lot of eyeballs

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science.

   No need to build a wall. Just have Rosie O'Donnell lay down on the Mexican/American border.

   I watched Bugs, Popeye, and the Roadrunner every day when growing up. This nation is the beacon for the world. Kids today watch cartoons with 0 violence and need safe zone. I fear the future.

   Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you teeter between, "Woo Hoo, the week is half over" and *tear*, "the week is only half over.

   No, Sorry.. I don't watch dancing with the.. who gives a f#ck. .

   Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.

   What if every opossum you saw on the side of the road was faking it?

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   My alone time is sometimes for your safety."