Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

   My wife said she wanted to watch Naked and Afraid. So I got naked and she got afraid. FML.

   Never mix Viagra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.

   I've decided I'm going to stop getting stressed and start causing it instead.

   When preparing a PowerPoint presentation for a big meeting, it is important to keep things simple enough that even a manager can understand it.

   I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

   If I've learned anything from social media, it's that we live on a planet that's disproportionately filled with inhabitants in possession of single digit IQ's.

   Kim Kardashian's marriage with Kris Humphries lasted longer than Michael Flynn in the White House.

   A German Shepherd named Rumor won the Westminster Dog Show. He will now be breed...aka spreading Rumors.

   ....... Rise of the Machines!!!! I just got replaced by a freakin Robot!!!! Well ... Technically my wife bought a vibrator but I still call it a Freakin Robot!

   Fighting online is so stupid .... I mean .... What are you gonna do? ..... Busta CAPS LOCK on me?

   Why is Trump telling you to buy a line of clothing an ethics violation, but Obama forcing you to buy health insurance is totally OK?

   Well I guess in nine months we will find out which of you were naughty and who was nice.

   Gee, Judging by the lack of smiles on peoples faces today .... A lot of Valentine's wishes went unanswered.

   Getting a bit tired of all of this McCarthyism passing itself off as news in America.

   For those of you who didn't get the V or the D yesterday, Happy alentine's ay.

   Shout out to all the hotel maids working today...... They're the real heroes!

   “Robots are taking all the good jobs,” I mutter as the Amazon drone delivering my Robocop 3 DVD crashes into my house and bursts into flame

   Ann Coulter is what happens if you feed Kellyanne Conway after midnight.

   And you thought a female would be too emotional to be president?