Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A 70-year-old man who watches TV for eight hours a day, plays lots of golf, and always seems to be in Florida is a retiree, not a President.

   My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

   The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit

   Okay. If you're over 10 years old and you still celebrate your birthday as birthday month, you should seek immediate help.

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the bad guy for tripping him?

   I may be crazy, but I'm not, "Of course I'd lease an office in the new One World Trade Center" crazy.

   Every knows a person that acts like a loser even when they win. Well

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

   Trump just blame Obama for wire-tapping his phone. My phone just got tapped too, I blame Trump.

   My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of coffee.

   if I die while I'm in an elevator I hope its while I'm going up not down

   The guy I’ve been paying to pick up sh*t in my backyard just realized that I don’t own a dog .

   I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties.

   March 4th, the only day of the year that actually tells you to go do something.

   Negative People irks my nerves.. worry about yourself... maybe you're not getting promoted cuz you so negative!!!!

   From now on I will only accept apologies in cash......

   I just saw a man at the beach yelling ”help shark help” I just laughed I know that shark wasn't going to help him...

   I was going to moving to Russia if Hillary won the election. . .

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   The secret of our marriage is chemistry. She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac.