Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know I would be an awesome Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it bad."

   Dear Razor blade Commercials: Stop shaving beautiful smooth legs to impress me... If you want to sell me a razor blade shave a freaking gorilla.

   Long story short, those aren't my pantaloons.

   Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone's yelling, everything's sticky, it's the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere.

   Weight Loss Tip: Burn more calories by screaming into the abyss.

   Someone you know will die doing what they loved: Bathing with their toaster.

   I get lost in your eyes. I also get lost in Walmart, so don't read too much into it.

   BREAKING NEWS: Facebook is closing this February 29th-31st in observance of the Bowling Green Massacre Memorial service. Please take note.

   NEW COMMANDMENT: Thou salt stop believing everything ye read on the internet and fact check before sharing and getting all self righteous.

   God wants to know, should he start the Zombie Apocalypse now?

   In light of recent news regarding 'A day without a woman' men everywhere a grateful just to have peace & quiet from a nagging mother-in-law

   My status updates are now 100% fake news-free!* (*actual percentages may vary.)

   Why is it we always have money for wars, but we can't feed the poor?

   The sign at the florist's said, "Say It With Flowers." I go in and ordered one rose. The guy asks me if I'm cheap. I go, "No, I'm a man of few words."

   Why I hate House Hunters. Amy is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Abe manages a Taco Bell. Abe: Our budget is $4 million

   if H( . ) ( . )ters were to become a door to door service... I hope they have to change their name to Kn( . ) ( . )ckers...

   Put your index fingers together and keep your eyes on your left finger while slowly moving your hands apart. While still looking at your left finger, touch your nose with your right finger. Now stop doing that.

   My Favorite machine at the Gym has to be the Television

   They only way I'd watch 50 Shades Darker is if the guy tied up our garbage bags and dominated the yard work.

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but think that my days around here are numbered...