Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *God creating dogs,, GOD: These will be great companions for people... ANGEL: An excellent creation sir... GOD: But better than people.. Just, WAY better... esp. during election season

   Pence should consider himself lucky....worse has happened with presidents at theaters

   Hey, To all of you folks planning to move to Canada because Trump won the Presidency ..... I hope you're fluent in the metric system and rich enough to pay 2-3 times the price of booze here in the US.

   What the heck is Pizzagate? In any case it makes me hungry, I'll have mine with anchovies.

   The only real model we have for a trump presidency is the movie "first kid"

   I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than when my supermodel wife puts a scratch on one of my Lamborghinis.

   when hitler rose to power, there were no memes to stop him.

   Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

   Mike Pence shouldn't get so upset that some Democr@ts booed him at the theater. After all don't forget that Democr@ts loudly booed G0D at the DNC convention on Sept 5th 2012.

   My Gf .. It's all waxed, polished and ready for tonight....now for the car

   2016: Trump elected 2018: Border wall completed 2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics..

   Everyone done going turkey hunting in the frozen section ?

   So rude of the Hamilton folks to boo Mike Pence, they should've kept it classy and picked out a disabled person in the crowd to make fun of.

   Can't wait to give my family a touch of salmonella next week

   I'm trying to figure out if those anti Trump Safety Pin wearing folks are also NRA advocates since Walter Hunt the inventor of the Safety Pin also invented the Multi Shot Repeating Rifle.

   don't have phone sex, you might get hearing aides..

   Nothing says "HI I'M GUILTY BUT I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY MY WAY OUT" like settling your rape case for $850,000

   I like this mannequin challenge. It gets idiots to shut the hell up for a minute.

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: After the umbilical cord has been cut,, a nurse spanks the baby for being uninsured.

   BREAKING NEWS: Tom Brady accused of deflating again in Macy's Day Parade