Funny Status Messages

   If I saved money as much as I saved porn , I'd be rich.

   The best way to teach your little kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream

   With all the transgender BS going on. I am worried about claiming to be a man. I'm confused. . .

   I live in constant fear that Columbia House is going to send the repo man to get the cd's I never paid for .

   NASA announced that the Earth-like planets orbiting Trappist-1 already has about 300 Starbucks on them.

   had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

   I now identify as someone who is disappointed in everyone. I don't care about your bathrooms, I am just gonna pee where I want.

   Madonna was offering blowjobs to men for their vote for Hillary. I took the blow job and still voted for Trump. . .

   That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sammiches.

   Original Transgender: Titanic Captain: We're short on boats, women & children first. Guy1*coughs*: I identify as a woman. Guy2:I'm a woman too

   Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.

   You ever bought a case for your cell phone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on a kid's head.

   Yes, I'm Italian. But don't care about Sinatra, The Godfather or Al Pacino. I'm in it for the food.

   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative.

   I'm giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

   Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. However, for less than a dollar a day you can help us dig a well in their village so that those poor children won't have to climb that hill daily.

   Its a man's responsibility to feed his wife because the last time the woman fed the man ........we all got chased out of the garden of Eden!

   Your parents are still alive and togather but when you asked "who is your favourite couple?" your answer is "Jay Z and Beyonce",for real?

   Someone tripped and fell right in front of me , and I didn't point at them and laugh hysterically . Damn I'm getting old.