Funny Status Messages

   Thanks to the last 8 years, at least the east side has plenty of vacancies!

   You never truly realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper, for example.

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money.

   Up until now, I thought "twerking" was short for "networking." Needless to say, today's business lunch was rather awkward.

   Me: You are always so argumentative. Wife: No I'm not. Me: See?

   Lent is almost here! Time to get your Ash in church!

   LA LA Land won the popular vote.

   alexa... make me a sandwhich

   Moonlight not my Oscar winner. #thanksrussia #LaLaland2018

   1. Go to Starbucks. 2. Order coffee. 3 Tell them your name is Waldo. 4 Leave.

   German Scientist: "I've created a super broccoli to fight heart disease!" American Scientist: "I've created a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo!"

   How did people get their blessings before Facebook was around for them to type Amen and share?

   I was never insane except that temporary moment when my heart was exposed.

   Hollywood actors praising themselves...The Oscars smh

   Oh Snap..I missed the Oscars again. That makes 35 yrs. in a row now.

   Steve Harvey... The happiest man in America today.

   What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

   I told my wife I wanted a 72" TV, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a 72" TV.

   What if the first man to try and drink Milk from a cow had mistakenly picked a bull ?

   Do you know is not for some people smoking Marijuana the murder rate would be a lot higher than it is.. So get high and keep the murder rate low. . .