Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Life is dangerous: You could slip in the shower, get hit by a bus, mauled by a bear or drown in breasts (it happens, look it up).

   I can see movies at any time, I'd rather have BOOZE on demand...

   One of my biggest fears is that some yahoo will actually take my posts seriously and call the cops who will inevitably find my torture chamber, stash of plutonium and action figure collection.

   I'm not sure what lesbians like better about sex with a woman instead of a man, but I wish they would describe it to me in great detail.

   You ever had such unbelievable sex, that it made you forget your own name... at least the fake one you gave her at the bar?

   Sometimes I'll stand up in a meeting and say "You just gave me an idea!" Then I leave the room, drive home, and go to bed.

   I read a caption in the paper the other day. The caption read, "In the time it takes you to finish reading this sentence, 20 people will have died of hunger." How the hell do they know how fast I read? I had to read it again. I killed 40 f*cking people.

   Thank you: hard shell tacos, for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking the the moment I put something inside you.

   I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night. I got away with a broken arm. Don't know whose but it's mine now!

   Admit it, once in your life, you've tried to guess someone's password but failed.

   If I become president, I will put weight restrictions on skinny jeans and short shorts. Vote Me 2012!!!

   My girlfriend goes out and buys me 12 underwear of the same color. I said, "Why in the hell did you buy all of them in the same color? People will think I never change them." My girlfriend: Which people? :\

   Someday I hope to live in a city where the police DUI checkpoiints allow style points.

   I find those "No shirt, no shoes, no service" signs very misleading because they never say anything about having to wear pants. Apparently, I was wrong... now gotta go to court on Thursday...

   Sitting in the theater, ready to watch the move then BAM!!! The human giraffe decides to sit in front of you!

   This beer just accepted my friend request!

   I hate it when someone starts telling me something, but they end up saying "nevermind."

   You may call it "alcohol abuse" but I've never heard the alcohol complaining.

   Sometimes I regret bringing sexy back.

   Next time you try talking to a group of people who claim they can't speak English, just say, “Ok, I'm about to punch everyone who's shoes are untied.” You'll be amazed at how many people will look down.