Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "If you build it, they will come." -Inventor of the Vibrator

   The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the heck up". And now we wonder why so many kids feel like they need everything...

   Happy "Go Make Me A Sandwich" day!

   For those celebrating Woman's Day... A 'man' won women of the year last year...just sayin..

   Just had a bunch of Persian food for lunch. It was so delicious, but now I falafel.

   Day 3 of the flu is going well so far. I managed to brush my teeth without sneezing!!

   Today is International Women's Day, It was supposed to be yesterday, but they couldn't get everything ready on time.

   It's hump day, and international women's Day ... so make sure you hump as many international women as you can.

   Flu stages: Day one, feel like dying. Day two: Afraid I'm dying. Day three: Afraid I'm not dying...

   Every problem has got a public holiday. World AIDS day, cancer day, Labour Day and today Women's Day

   "Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....

   It's International Women's Day. That means only the women with sexy accents right?

   Rush-hour traffic is flowing smoothly, and there are no accidents on all major freeways. #DayWithoutWomen

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.

   The truth shall set you free. Unless you are in court. Then you should probably just shut up.

   You never forget your first love. No matter how hard you try.

   "Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" -Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids.

   I just called BS but it went straight to voicemail.

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st, and that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage

   My girlfriend is training for 2020 Olympics where she'll be competing in the Conclusion Jump.