Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.

   I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...

   I've always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.

   Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.

   Ivm not leaving a will.. My final act will be leaving one more thing my family can fight about.

   My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   Mexicans won't be paying for the wall, instead they'll be getting paid to build the wall.

   Work has been a pain lately. Too much stress at this stage of my life...and for that reason...I'm out. If only life were like Shark Tank.

   "Did you know you can make any quote seem legit if you put a famous person's name at the end?"-George Washington

   would it be OK to repeal and replace my EX ??

   Russia hacked my Yahoo email, which now explains why those hot singles never responded ...

   Q. What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe? A. The canoe will eventually tip.

   Lord this body has been a good friend, buy I wont need it when I reach the end. Though I know the outcome I'd do it again.

   They say, "The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room". Sit down r.a.y.. Your insecurity is showing.

   Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?

   I've been eating Cheerios for years and never once have I felt like dancing before, during or after eating them

   Dance like your microwave isn't watching

   "But millions of people are going to end up losing their health insurance!" -What the critics said when Obamacare was being developed.

   Pandora's problem was that she didn't think outside the box.

   I had lunch today with a chess player. I asked him to pass the salt and it took him 20 minutes.