Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is full of fake people. Before you decide to judge them, make sure you're not one of them

   I'm so straight that I eat my Hotdog from the middle

   Tried practicing Fruit Ninja in the kitchen, ended up playing Temple Run with my wife chasing me like an Angry Bird

   The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after a Zebra

   What I envy in women is their ability to argue without any valid points whatsoever and still claim victory.

   Well, all the leaves are off my trees so I guess I'll have to pee inside from now on...

   ..... Congratulations Redblacks!!! ...... Wait a minute .... What the heck is a Redblack? ..... Answer: Another Underdog ..... Who just won the Grey Cup!!! ..... OK .... It's the Canadian (People that live north of the US) ..... version of the Superbowl.

   Hey Lady, Please don't blame the Holidays ..... For Pete's Sake ..... You you were Fat in August!!!

   Ladies, unless you really want to bang me, please stop poking me if you're not going to follow through. . .

   The Michigan fans are worse than the Hillary Clinton's supporters on whining when they lose.

   LOOKING TO PURCHASE A STRIPPER POLE, USED PREFERRED ( I like to lick them ;) :P )

   Never changing the oil in my car ever again! #NoDAPL

   It's 4am...time to start my day. Milk the horse, pluck the goats, plow the chickens, etc. First day as a farmer doesn't sound that hard.

   I'm looking for funding to publish my last two status updates...

   My biggest pet peeve is that people expect me to remember their pet peeves. Please don't forget that!

   I can't wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!

   Yes .... Math is Illegal in Kentucky!! 5 People in Kentucky were arrested last night in the latest Math Lab Bust. .... Either that or they're just crappy at spelling.

   I try to live an #adventurous life but its hard to do it with $17 disposable #income a week.

   Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...

   Do white supremacists shop on Black Friday?