Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Water is Life"? Don't you remember the time it tried to drown you?

   Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

   Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

   There is no security measure as ineffective as an apartment complex gate system.

   Your mamma hole is so hairy , it was a guest on Duck Dynasty

   *rides off into the sunset...... *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock....... *rides off into the sunset......

   The fact thst humanity has to clarify that any lives matter should be concern enough.

   I hope that wherever my missing socks end up, they're happy. That's what really matters.

   Dear Santa: Please refer to my Pinterest board.

   Don't just be part of the couch.... Be the couch.

   After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you? Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

   Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have s-e-x, did you? Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

   Just put up my three foot Christmas tree, needed my six foot ladder to put the star on

   The mannequin challenge was invented when a democrat was offered a job...

   Childhood is just the ‘free trial’ edition of life. When it ends, you have to pay for the full version or else you’ll lose everything.

   The Mannaquin Challenge isn't new. Some of you have been standing around doing nothing your whole lives.....

   Nothing puts me into the #Christmas spirit like #shopping. On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, On VISA.

   I'm more like Elvis than most Elvis impersonators. I look nothing like him. I dress nothing like him. I sing nothing like him. It's just that women throw their underwear at me. I live in a dryer.

   Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

   If you bought a fruitcake this weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.