Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any bank can be a sperm bank if you're left alone in the safety deposit box room.

   R.I.P. creator of the Big Mac, the most prolific serial killer of all time.

   Years ago, some heckler at a gig I wasm yelled, "Hey, man. If I slept with your wife while you were out at a gig and she got pregnant, would that make us related?" I go, "I don't know, but it'd sure make us even!"

   Open the fridge and there's only one beer left. "Me thinking............who's been drinking my beer's! " Oh never mind......that would be me....dang it!

   I never cared to look for Waldo. . .

   I'm so broke that This Christmas I am going to wrap up some batteries with a note saying "Toys not included".

   FYI: It should be illegal to play a doorbell sound on TV... Or a siren in a song on the radio

   Just saw a guy getting mugged. I was going to help him out, but he was wearing Crocs.

   The only reason God gave women legs, is so they don't leave snail trails. . .

   Whenever I hear an Italian say that they love Olive Garden, to me that translates to, "My mama was a lousy cook."

   If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.

   If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn't let you skip.

   A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go if that happens?

   Last night I went to a "Testicular Cancer" survivor party. Everyone had a ball.

   All I want for Christmas is an air hockey table. It will go great with my air guitar.

   An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.

   WIFE: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Shrek].... ME: No I didn't

   I miss Paris Hilton..... we had it good in 2002. Too bad you kids are stuck with the Kardashians today.

   An Asian in charge of Transportation? That's like putting a fox in charge of a hen house.

   no need to scroll further, as it only get worse from here...