Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1005 of 6446

I have herpes. Wait. Autocorrect strikes again. I have recipes.

Folks should be made aware of the difference between want and need. Example: I want a hot body, but I need pizza.
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03-11-2017 16:05 by Mick
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Remember this my friends: With great power comes a great electric bill.
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03-11-2017 16:04 by Mick
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I'm going to see to it that Tallmtnman dies from my hands. We don't need raci.sts like him.
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03-11-2017 15:24 by BLM
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I'm going to the store. I'm at the doctor. My daughter is at the prom. I'm at a restaurant. My dog got a sticker in his paw. (That comprises 90% of all social media posts.)
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03-11-2017 14:42 by Fambook
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When you start receiving "Lifetime Achievement" awards it's probably a good time to make sure your will is up to date.

Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.
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03-10-2017 14:22
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I may never understand women but I do know two words never to say to them, "calm down."
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03-10-2017 11:23 by Diesel
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Do you know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing in the clutch far enough when shifting.
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03-10-2017 10:12
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Thanks to Twitter, everybody with a computer and something to complain about thinks they're a modern day Che Guevara.
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03-10-2017 09:29
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Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.

I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?

when I go to the store looking for paper towel, I feel like a BOUNTY hunter
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03-09-2017 20:42 by Eddy
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You all have heard of Murphy's Law right?.....It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong....But have you heard of Cole's Law?...It's shredded cabbage.

Thank God International Women's Day is only once per year. I don't think I can do a second day, in the year, without someone bringing me a sandwich.

It never fails. I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.
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03-09-2017 10:42
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A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchen. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
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03-09-2017 10:04
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Generation Butt Hurt...where everyone is offended by everything.
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03-09-2017 09:31
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Thursday. The most useless day. It exists as a reminder that it's been a very long week and it's still not over.
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03-09-2017 09:23
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As a kid, I often thought how cool oit would be to read other poeple's minds. Then came social media...I'm totally over that.
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03-09-2017 09:18
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