Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I have herpes. Wait. Autocorrect strikes again. I have recipes.
←Rate | 03-11-2017 16:57 by Gentile Geraldine Comments (0)  


   messageicon Folks should be made aware of the difference between want and need. Example: I want a hot body, but I need pizza.
←Rate | 03-11-2017 16:05 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember this my friends: With great power comes a great electric bill.
←Rate | 03-11-2017 16:04 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm going to see to it that Tallmtnman dies from my hands. We don't need raci.sts like him.
←Rate | 03-11-2017 15:24 by BLM Comments (1)  


   messageicon I'm going to the store. I'm at the doctor. My daughter is at the prom. I'm at a restaurant. My dog got a sticker in his paw. (That comprises 90% of all social media posts.)
←Rate | 03-11-2017 14:42 by Fambook Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you start receiving "Lifetime Achievement" awards it's probably a good time to make sure your will is up to date.
←Rate | 03-11-2017 08:52 by Larry Baker Comments (0)  


   messageicon Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.
←Rate | 03-10-2017 14:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I may never understand women but I do know two words never to say to them, "calm down."
←Rate | 03-10-2017 11:23 by Diesel Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing in the clutch far enough when shifting.
←Rate | 03-10-2017 10:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thanks to Twitter, everybody with a computer and something to complain about thinks they're a modern day Che Guevara.
←Rate | 03-10-2017 09:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.
←Rate | 03-10-2017 07:06 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?
←Rate | 03-10-2017 06:59 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon when I go to the store looking for paper towel, I feel like a BOUNTY hunter
←Rate | 03-09-2017 20:42 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon You all have heard of Murphy's Law right?.....It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong....But have you heard of Cole's Law?...It's shredded cabbage.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 18:18 by Uncle Bubba Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thank God International Women's Day is only once per year. I don't think I can do a second day, in the year, without someone bringing me a sandwich.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 11:32 by Lakestalker Comments (0)  


   messageicon It never fails. I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 10:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchen. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 10:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Generation Butt Hurt...where everyone is offended by everything.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 09:31 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Thursday. The most useless day. It exists as a reminder that it's been a very long week and it's still not over.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 09:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As a kid, I often thought how cool oit would be to read other poeple's minds. Then came social media...I'm totally over that.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 09:18 Comments (0)  




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