Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1004 of 6446

How to annoy your friend: No matter what they say, you say ~ “That’s not what you said last night” (followed by a saucy wink) Keep it going until they crack.
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03-13-2017 08:08
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I like to close my eyes when I kiss a woman. That way I get less pepper spray in them.
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03-13-2017 07:08
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What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.
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03-13-2017 01:39
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Take Nixon into the deepest days of his Watergate paranoia, subtract 50 IQ points, add Twitter, and you have Trump today.
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03-12-2017 16:17
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Barack Obama's Master Plan: 1) Wiretap the opposition. 2) Gather damaging info. 3) Say nothing. 4) Let him win. 5) Ride off into the sunset.
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03-12-2017 16:16
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I'm the person Republicans are taking about. I own a hundred iPhones and my body is dying. I refuse to buy healthcare. Please get me another phone.
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03-12-2017 16:09
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Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on Sunday at 3 am, instead of 2 am. That way it's easier to remember to set clocks ahead "four-ward".
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03-12-2017 14:30
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If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them.
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03-12-2017 11:52
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Don't forget to tutn your clocks forward to eliminate one hour of the Trump presidency.
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03-12-2017 10:50
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Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
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03-12-2017 09:57
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs
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03-12-2017 09:57
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Wife asks why I keep a weapon inside the house. Told her I was scared of government agencies spying on us-- She laughed. I laughed. Our Smart TV laughed.
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03-12-2017 09:54
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I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

America won't be truly great again until we eradicate anyone who willingly orders coleslaw as a side
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03-12-2017 07:10 by flinnie
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We have reached a disturbing stage as a society. A stage where if you do something stupid, disturbing, sick, nasty, disgusting or perverted, you are guaranteed to have some people who are going to cosign and support it.
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03-12-2017 03:43
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Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.
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03-12-2017 00:21
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Given the exploding population of idiots in our communities, I think it’s about time we required people to pass a test first before they are allowed to vote. We can’t afford to put our destiny in the hands of clueless idiots.
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03-12-2017 00:19 by Baddie
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don't forget tonight we time travel without a T.A.R.D.I.S
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03-11-2017 21:36 by Eddy
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Women will get equal pay once they are willing to pick up the check at dinner.
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03-11-2017 20:05
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i dropped my affordable health care because I couldn't afford it .
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03-11-2017 17:04
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