Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon How to annoy your friend: No matter what they say, you say ~ “That’s not what you said last night” (followed by a saucy wink) Keep it going until they crack.
←Rate | 03-13-2017 08:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like to close my eyes when I kiss a woman. That way I get less pepper spray in them.
←Rate | 03-13-2017 07:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.
←Rate | 03-13-2017 01:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Take Nixon into the deepest days of his Watergate paranoia, subtract 50 IQ points, add Twitter, and you have Trump today.
←Rate | 03-12-2017 16:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Barack Obama's Master Plan: 1) Wiretap the opposition. 2) Gather damaging info. 3) Say nothing. 4) Let him win. 5) Ride off into the sunset.
←Rate | 03-12-2017 16:16 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I'm the person Republicans are taking about. I own a hundred iPhones and my body is dying. I refuse to buy healthcare. Please get me another phone.
←Rate | 03-12-2017 16:09 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on Sunday at 3 am, instead of 2 am. That way it's easier to remember to set clocks ahead "four-ward".
←Rate | 03-12-2017 14:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them.
←Rate | 03-12-2017 11:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't forget to tutn your clocks forward to eliminate one hour of the Trump presidency.
←Rate | 03-12-2017 10:50 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
←Rate | 03-12-2017 09:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs
←Rate | 03-12-2017 09:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wife asks why I keep a weapon inside the house. Told her I was scared of government agencies spying on us-- She laughed. I laughed. Our Smart TV laughed.
←Rate | 03-12-2017 09:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about
←Rate | 03-12-2017 07:15 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon America won't be truly great again until we eradicate anyone who willingly orders coleslaw as a side
←Rate | 03-12-2017 07:10 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon We have reached a disturbing stage as a society. A stage where if you do something stupid, disturbing, sick, nasty, disgusting or perverted, you are guaranteed to have some people who are going to cosign and support it.
←Rate | 03-12-2017 03:43 Comments (3)  


   messageicon Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.
←Rate | 03-12-2017 00:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Given the exploding population of idiots in our communities, I think it’s about time we required people to pass a test first before they are allowed to vote. We can’t afford to put our destiny in the hands of clueless idiots.
←Rate | 03-12-2017 00:19 by Baddie Comments (2)  


   messageicon don't forget tonight we time travel without a T.A.R.D.I.S
←Rate | 03-11-2017 21:36 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women will get equal pay once they are willing to pick up the check at dinner.
←Rate | 03-11-2017 20:05 Comments (1)  


   messageicon i dropped my affordable health care because I couldn't afford it .
←Rate | 03-11-2017 17:04 Comments (1)  




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