Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   even my six year old knows you would have to be an immature loser to tweet a complete falsehood about a foe and wait ten days to admit you didn't actually mean what you wrote.

   My gums are throbbing, someone somewhere just spilled their whiskey!

   I ate all my meals today without using a single utensil

   Love Sunday bourbon but sometimes "message failed to send," is your four leaf clover

   "a day without immigrants" "a day without women" "a day without blacks" If you realy want to impress us try "A day without foodstamps"

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   Daylight Saving(s) Time.Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.

   I gave that pitch vibrato. Pitches love vibrato.

   It's weird. When my pet elephant comes into the room nobody talks about it.

   How to annoy your friend: No matter what they say, you say ~ “That’s not what you said last night” (followed by a saucy wink) Keep it going until they crack.

   I like to close my eyes when I kiss a woman. That way I get less pepper spray in them.

   What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.

   Take Nixon into the deepest days of his Watergate paranoia, subtract 50 IQ points, add Twitter, and you have Trump today.

   Barack Obama's Master Plan: 1) Wiretap the opposition. 2) Gather damaging info. 3) Say nothing. 4) Let him win. 5) Ride off into the sunset.

   I'm the person Republicans are taking about. I own a hundred iPhones and my body is dying. I refuse to buy healthcare. Please get me another phone.

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on Sunday at 3 am, instead of 2 am. That way it's easier to remember to set clocks ahead "four-ward".

   If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them.

   Don't forget to tutn your clocks forward to eliminate one hour of the Trump presidency.

   Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

   My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs