Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new home security system is a bunch of Tanaka airbags.

   Things Irish people simply won't do on St. Patrick's Day: 1) Drink green beer. 2) Twerk with leprechauns. 3) Spend $40 on dollar store stuff.

   If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??

   When something big comes out from your life, smaller ones enter.

   I was thinking about the wikileaks revelation that the cia records people through their cell phone. It occured to me that they must have millions upon millions of hours of nothing but the sound of a toilet flushing.

   Shouldn't liars get their stories straight? Kelly Anne said it's the microwave, Donald said it was the phones and Sean said JUST KIDDING. OMG---it's the three stooges!!

   when Trump said "Obama wiretapped me," he didn't mean "Obama wiretapped me." Which part of Obama wiretapped me don't you people understand?

   Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?

   How dumb am I? I'm so dumb, I put a battery in a glass of water to make an energy drink.

   I was microwaving my lunch at work today ant three Trump supporters accused me of spying on the President.

   the White House just announced it is firing all the microwaves that were installed during the Obama Administration.

   even my six year old knows you would have to be an immature loser to tweet a complete falsehood about a foe and wait ten days to admit you didn't actually mean what you wrote.

   My gums are throbbing, someone somewhere just spilled their whiskey!

   I ate all my meals today without using a single utensil

   Love Sunday bourbon but sometimes "message failed to send," is your four leaf clover

   "a day without immigrants" "a day without women" "a day without blacks" If you realy want to impress us try "A day without foodstamps"

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   Daylight Saving(s) Time.Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.

   I gave that pitch vibrato. Pitches love vibrato.

   It's weird. When my pet elephant comes into the room nobody talks about it.