Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1000 of 6446

Trump wants a 30 foot wall.> i'm starting a 35 foot ladder business.
←Rate |
03-19-2017 10:03
Comments (0)

If you were considering jogging, remember you can also NOT consider jogging. No one is keeping track. Live dangerous. Stay in one place.
←Rate |
03-19-2017 08:44
Comments (0)

“Buy one get one free” deals are an attempt by retailers to manipulate your shopping habits. Demonstrate your superior willpower by purchasing five.
←Rate |
03-19-2017 05:43
Comments (0)

Be a savvy consumer. Do your research rather than trusting your local circus barker’s claims that no other wonders on earth could compare to the oddities found in his freak show.
←Rate |
03-19-2017 05:42
Comments (0)

Wife: Did you forget to run the dishwasher? Me: [drinking a beer from a crusty old flower vase] No. Why?
←Rate |
03-19-2017 05:12
Comments (0)

Roll over Beethoven...:(
←Rate |
03-18-2017 20:03
Comments (0)

Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.
←Rate |
03-18-2017 12:42
Comments (0)

There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
←Rate |
03-18-2017 09:09
Comments (0)

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
←Rate |
03-18-2017 09:08
Comments (0)

I think I may have a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O'Furniture
←Rate |
03-18-2017 08:59
Comments (0)

Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky

Now we'll never know how to get to Sesame Street!
←Rate |
03-17-2017 19:03 by April
Comments (5)

I just wish the light stays green at the intersection all day, today....
←Rate |
03-17-2017 17:45
Comments (0)

No matter how low I lower the bar of expectation, some people manage to roll right under it.
←Rate |
03-17-2017 16:13
Comments (1)

Don't eat the green snow!!!
←Rate |
03-17-2017 14:12 by John Y
Comments (0)

The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.
←Rate |
03-17-2017 13:18 by Mick
Comments (0)

My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.
←Rate |
03-17-2017 10:31
Comments (0)

I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...
←Rate |
03-17-2017 07:42
Comments (0)

I've always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
←Rate |
03-17-2017 06:46
Comments (0)

Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
←Rate |
03-17-2017 01:56 by Zinc
Comments (0)