Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I think I may have a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O'Furniture
←Rate | 03-18-2017 08:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky
←Rate | 03-18-2017 06:19 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now we'll never know how to get to Sesame Street!
←Rate | 03-17-2017 19:03 by April Comments (5)  


   messageicon I just wish the light stays green at the intersection all day, today....
←Rate | 03-17-2017 17:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No matter how low I lower the bar of expectation, some people manage to roll right under it.
←Rate | 03-17-2017 16:13 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Don't eat the green snow!!!
←Rate | 03-17-2017 14:12 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.
←Rate | 03-17-2017 13:18 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.
←Rate | 03-17-2017 10:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...
←Rate | 03-17-2017 07:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
←Rate | 03-17-2017 06:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
←Rate | 03-17-2017 01:56 by Zinc Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ivm not leaving a will.. My final act will be leaving one more thing my family can fight about.
←Rate | 03-17-2017 01:55 by ZINC Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.
←Rate | 03-17-2017 01:51 by Zinc Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mexicans won't be paying for the wall, instead they'll be getting paid to build the wall.
←Rate | 03-16-2017 23:22 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Work has been a pain lately. Too much stress at this stage of my life...and for that reason...I'm out. If only life were like Shark Tank.
←Rate | 03-16-2017 21:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Did you know you can make any quote seem legit if you put a famous person's name at the end?"-George Washington
←Rate | 03-16-2017 17:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon would it be OK to repeal and replace my EX ??
←Rate | 03-16-2017 13:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Russia hacked my Yahoo email, which now explains why those hot singles never responded ...
←Rate | 03-16-2017 05:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Q. What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe? A. The canoe will eventually tip.
←Rate | 03-16-2017 03:09 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon Lord this body has been a good friend, buy I wont need it when I reach the end. Though I know the outcome I'd do it again.
←Rate | 03-16-2017 01:18 Comments (0)  




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