Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1000 of 6384
if I Really tell Santa what I want for Christmas, Then I will definitely be on his naughty list ...
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12-09-2016 23:13
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All of these years in therapy have finally paid off folks... Turns out my therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...
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12-09-2016 23:06
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Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I've been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It's time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.
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12-09-2016 23:00
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Yes mom,,, Of course I know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer,,,, it's the taste.
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12-09-2016 18:17 by snotty
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It's a good thing I'm not in charge of a vote #recount . I'd charge five million bucks, wait a week, and say "We're done. It's the same as the first time."
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12-09-2016 16:35
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"Oh wow, it's a fruitcake! I'm going to eat it right now" said no one ever.
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12-09-2016 16:34
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Mick Jagger a Father again? Really? Has he ever been a father before? I think s p e r m donor would be more appropriate
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12-09-2016 15:29
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No People ... Contrary to the Main Stream Media reports .... the President Elect ... DID NOT ... appoint Bill Cosby as the new Secretary for Women's Rights.
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12-09-2016 14:14
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Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.
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12-09-2016 12:54
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We live in a curious time in history where for the first time parents send their children off to College and they return to us as mental toddlers.
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12-09-2016 12:25
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FINALLY!!! ..... I'm not being harassed incessantly by my family and coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was really rough back in July tho.
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12-09-2016 12:00
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PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.
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12-09-2016 11:58
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... No people .... Trump did NOT pick El Chapo to head the DEA!!
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12-09-2016 11:15
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Flat screens are nice and all, but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
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12-09-2016 10:52
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Casual Fridays? I'm holding out for Optional Fridays.
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12-09-2016 08:38
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It always seems impossible until it's done
Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
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12-09-2016 07:18 by Yaj
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So, Mick Jagger is a new father at the age of 73. I guess time really is on his side.
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12-09-2016 06:44
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it odd to anyone else that a telephone makes sound travel faster than the speed of sound?
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12-09-2016 05:45
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... Well ... Yes ... Technically ..... I do think that burning the American Flag is a form of Free Speech ...... All I ask is that you wrap yourself in it FIRST before setting it on fire ....
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12-08-2016 22:04
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