snotty Funny Status Messages

   GOOD DAY SIR !!!... And thank you for the "World of pure imagination"... r.i.p.

   Why do I do this?... Cuz,, Laughter is an instant vacation

   It's not that hard to figure out a woman.,, just leave her alone when she wants you to,,, Woah woah woah, not that much..... Ok, now she's mad

   Parenting is 25% aggravation,,, and 90% being confused by their math homework.

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."

   You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.

   If the US admits that Trump's presidential campaign is a hoax,,, then Australia says it'll come clean about the platypus.

   Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

   It's illegal to destroy US currency but my wife just bought a Kia Sportage which is pretty much the same thing.

   If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.

   If you've considered robbing Ryan Lochte,,,, now would be the perfect time.

   Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

   Hey,, Has anyone tried giving ISIS a snickers bar?

   Oh,,, Life's all fun and games till you get the first lemon.

   Unfortunate Cookies™ are like fortune cookies, except each one contains one of my epic puns...

   [medusa's hotel maid, sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

   I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish........ *and yes,, I was around alot of people smoking pot today so....

   My supervillain origin story is just someone knocking over my plate of super nachos.

   I credit my dad for my sense of humor..... Oh,. She's funny, too?.......... Ummm,,No......