mickey Funny Status Messages

   My wife was admitted to the hospital last night. She's in the Expensive Care Unit.

   I insisted that my girl accompany me on a fishing trip. That opened up a new can of worms.

   So facebook is now making Poke suggestions. And it could be anything on your friends list. God knows I've always wanted to f**k the s**t out of McDonald's.

   "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor: "Is this her first child?" Me: "No, this is her husband."

   My girfriend's a h00ker with an IQ of 178. What a f**king know-it-all.

   Look...the very LEAST we could do is have sex.

   I don't care what anyone says. MySpace is NOT dead. I just friended two hotties. Wilma and Betty. In ya face, suckas!

   The Google home page today features a giant zipper. I'm NOT gonna open it. Who knows what'll pop out.

   There's always that one person who doesn't get it. Don't be that person, no...don't be that person.

   Ever notice that kids with Down Syndrome always seem to be so up? We could all take a lesson from them.

   Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.

   I so want to be in a relationship. I want to account for everything I do. Answer to someone when I come home late. And get dragged over the coals for not calling a hundred times a day.

   All the immortals survived St. Paddy's Day I see? Let us mere mortals now join our brethren and worship at our place of choice to further along that regressive human trait known as hypocrisy.

   Hands don't make the music, the soul does.

   there such a thing as a Corned Beef and Cabbage Calzone?

   The most significant change brought about in the 2ist century is the decline of photographers and photography studios. They've both been replaced.... By camera phones and bathrooms.

   Who cares what Dr. Oz says? He used to be a Wizard, now he's only a Doctor. Screw that loser. He's clearly on the way down.

   Never, ever be ashamed of what you are. I'M not ashamed of what you are.

   I slept late because DST time is back. That's 'cause it's really 10:35. No, I guess it's really 11:35, but it's 10:35, but it really is...well it's 11:36 now because I've gone on and on about what the time really is.

   Oh, to have you next to me in the morning. Your soothing warmth, your intensity, your comfort. I need to get a Mr. Coffee for my nightstand.