flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If the first rule of fight club was not to discuss it. Why did they make a movie about it?

   To convince my boss that I'm keeping busy, I periodically yell "YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?" into my phone, then slam down the receiver

   Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that's how I feel today.

   Found a bear in my garbage. Why would someone throw out a perfectly good bear?

   If you eat seafood can you go swimming right away?

   Getting lots of admiring looks in my new denim short-shirts and halter top.

   FACT: The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   I'm glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."

   Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

   It'd be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security's face when they pull off the mask.

   Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

   A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby

   To feel more relaxed I go to my job interviews naked. I tell the guy "just picture me in a three piece suit and you'll feel less nervous."

   I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I've taken today's gummy vitamins.

   The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

   You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   My day always feels a lot more productive when I think about all those forest fires I prevented.

   Kind of wish I didn't choose the thug life, everyone's really mean.

   If anyone ever texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from state farm"