andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.

   Doritos has a new flavor named Street Taco. Which used to be my rap name.

   The number of people that confuse 'to' and 'too' is two darn high.

   The 78th Rule of Fight Club: When it’s your turn to bring the snacks, be respectful of your peers’ food allergies.

   I dream about naps.

   "Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook

   Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.

   “Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.

   I run a support group for cats that have never had their pics posted on the internet.

   if I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn't want to be me on that day

   No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that 'take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve' thing that girls do

   If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn't work play "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". Bears love that song.

   I'm feeling vulnerable tonight. I wasn't able to validate my personality with a BuzzFeed quiz today.

   Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.

   I'm going to switch my insurance from Geico to Allstate, then Statefarm, then back to Geico. If i'm correct, they should owe me $950.

   I'll be updating my status telepathically the rest of the day... so if you think of something funny? That was me.

   If they're the champions why will they keep on fightin' 'til the end? They've been named champions. Was it just the conference championship?

   Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!

   "I've seen fire & I've seen rain" -James Taylor & LITERALLY EVERY HUMAN

   I could make a rap video, but instead of cash I'd be surrounded by stacks of Taco Bell napkins