Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber and One Direction walk into a bar. There's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny......

   “Look at my face, does it look like I care?” – “Well by looking at your face, God didn’t care either.”

   “I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullsh*t”

   I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear.

   If you recieve something that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend.

   Dear Heart, Please stop breaking, you weren’t made in China.

   Sometimes, I'll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it'd be cool if you moved out Amy."

   Man talking with his friend: "My wife died yesterday, I'm trying to cry but tears are not coming out, what should I do?" Friend: "That's simple. Just imagine she is coming back."

   Daily Random 'F*ck You': To those people that get a puppy or kitten because they're so cute but then get rid of them when they grow into adult animals, F*CK YOU!

   Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back.

   I love when you say something that is just dripping with sarcasm and people still can't figure it out.

   People that tell me they never use dirty words must be boring as hell in the bedroom. What do they scream? "Touch my no-no and make me squish-squish?"

   You young punks are sissyfied... so quick to pick up a gun and scared to take an ass whippin'

   I've met some real pricks in my time but you my friend are the cactus.

   I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it's two boobs.

   If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.

   A girl just asked me "When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what's a good comeback?" I told her, "COMEBACK with a damn sandwich."

   My girl is a serial over-reactor. You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can't go in the kitchen alone anymore.

   Tiger Woods is now dating Lindsey Vonn. That man gets so much ass, if this were 1800's his slave name would be Poonta Kinte

   The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.