GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   The officer asked, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" And we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

   Now that I've gotten older I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, the customer with the most money.

   I couldn't get a reservation at my local library. They were booked!!!

   My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.

   Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.

   If you honk at me .025 seconds after the light turns green I'm going to put my vehicle in park, adjust my seat, check my tire pressure, change my oil, return some emails, eat a snack, read a book, brush my teeth, nap, and build a LEGO set.

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink or dessert. Then I'd sit back and watch the madness unfold at every table.

   I'm a firm believer that every traffic jam begins with one idiot.

   The difference between humans and animals? Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.

   Guys, if the relationship fails, don't blame her only. It takes 2 people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   I was watching a TV show on the top ten ways to avoid a shark attack. I was shocked to hear that "stay out of the water" wasn't number one.

   Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointing away from earth?

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on.

   I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

   Due to popular demand, the Kansas City Chiefs are changing their name to the Kansas City Swifties.

   I hate it when people text me: "Call me". I'm gonna start calling people and when they answer, I'm gonna say, "Text me", and hang up.

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

   The problem with autocorrect is that it often makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.