bill Funny Status Messages

   I'm at that age and wisdom where I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. Nope! I've seen that movie.

   Sometimes, to retain moisture, I'll brine whatever I'm smoking or grilling. I've found the best brine is made from the tears of 1000 vegans.

   I'm going to get dressed up in bear costume and go down to Best Buy on Black Friday and scare the people camping out in tents...

   Was just reading about the new 100 dollar bill design and wondered why I hadn't seen one yet. Then I realized it's because it's a 100 dollar bill.

   Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister...

   Personally, I don't find swearing offensive. I think it adds character & emphasis to a conversation. I do find, backstabbing, lying, cheating and screwing people over offensive, but not swearing.

   Just updated my resume. Hobbies section now includes: "Currently tied with Lance Armstrong in Tour de France victories."

   I think Tupac should win a Hologrammy for his Coachella performance......

   Kids, watch out for Obama supporters! They'll take half your Easter eggs and give it to the kids who were too lazy to hunt for their own.........

   I got my Do-si-dos. Sad thing is I'm about to eat the whole box, I'll be mad at myself later...........