Unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   It took my decades to sleep soundly knowing that rhythm will not in fact get me, tonight or any night

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.

   I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   Opening a restaurant calling it: New Pho, Who Dish?

   Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky

   I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

   Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.