Jiffy Pop Funny Status Messages

   Harvard researchers now claim that "eating boogers are good for you" adding they are a "rich reservoir" of bacteria. Yeah well, so is toilet water, but that don't mean I'm drinkin' any.

   I thought they said it was a "Joint Session". No bongs, no puff-puff-pass...hmph, joint session my @ss.

   I'm too tired to stay awake and watch... It feels like this U.S. Election night is Christmas Eve, and America's worried Santa might leave coal and sticks instead of presents in the morning.

   Who won the third Presidential Debate? Well that's easy, anyone who didn't watch it.

   Madonna's actual offer, since her affair with A-Rod, is "Free Herpes to everyone who votes for Hillary!"

   Ironically, Madonna's offer to Hillary Voters was the same one Amy Schumer made to her producers to get her comedy show in the first place.

   "Braindead" is a new show on CBS about Aliens who invade the U.S. Capitol then seek to eat the minds of our leaders in order to inhabit their bodies. Those poor Aliens. They're going to starve if they're trying to find brains in Washington DC.

   ♫♪ " ...It's beginning to look a lot like ̶̶C̶̶H̶̶R̶̶I̶̶S̶̶T̶̶M̶̶A̶̶S̶̶ El Niño, everywhere I go..." ♫♪

   Today is National Cheese Day! So let us each take a moment and pray for all the hapless imbeciles in the world who foolishly ask "Would you like that with Cheese?"

   Last night while having pasta, the lid to the parmesan cheese came off and way too much parmesan cheese spilled onto the plate. I learned an invaluable life lesson from this experience. There is no such thing as "way too much parmesan cheese".