@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   Dear Dad, thanks for not pulling out. Happy Father's Day!

   I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.

   Spain made over 800 passes in last night's game. The only way England could make that many is if we enter Wayne Rooney on Mastermind.

   Tulisa, sexiest woman in the world? I wouldn't even have her down as the sexiest woman in N-Dubz.

   My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with plants. I said "For f-cks sake petal, where has this stemmed from?"

   Ok, so I've got my petrol home. Now where am I supposed to store it all? The bath is already full of stamps and pasties.

   The price for fags have been increased by 37p. One Direction tickets now cost £40.37

   Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital. "It's great, he can almost string a sentence together", said Fabrice.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a soberphobic.

   Every Sunday is like an episode of CSI... I have to figure out where I was, what I did, and who I did!