life Funny Status Messages

   I'm at the point in life where the hottest text I get is: "Your prescription is ready for pick up"

   I asked my doctor, do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life? The doctor replied, I doubt it somehow, Mercury is in Uranus right now. I said, I don’t believe in all that astrology crap. He said, neither do I, my thermometer just broke.

   Fact of life: The older you get, the more risky a sneeze becomes.

   Thanks to the people that walked into my life and made it better. And thanks to the ones who walked out and made it amazing.

   I'm about to start telling folks different stories about my life. So when they get together to gossip, they just end up arguing.

   Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call these people cops.

   Just got my electricity bill and I believe I got charged for the sunlight, the moonlight, the street light, the light of my life, the speed of light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

   I really hope my life doesn't flash before my eyes when I pass away. There are some things I'd rather not see again.

   I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you". I couldn't believe it... You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

   I saved my husband's life insurance company $500,000 dollars by switching to xanax.