svaldez187 Funny Status Messages

   Today is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-A$$ Friday.

   Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm... but I wasnt finished..

   I've got the solution to this whole anti-gay mess with the fast foods. I'm just going to open a pro-gay franchise and call it Chik-fil-HAAAAAAY *snap*

   People say "when your palm itches, you are going to receive money". My butt itches... I bet I don't get SH*T¡

   The beauty of life is that Vodka looks like water.....and water bottles are allowed at work.

   If you get with me you will be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2

   i'm not saying i'm batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?

   "It's impossible." said pride. "It's risky." said experience. "It's pointless." said reason. "Give it a try." whispered the heart........ "WHAT DA HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!" shouted the anus two minutes later.

   On Sunday, don't forget to turn your clocks back an hour. And on Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years...VOTE!!!

   I feel bad for the kids these days that see a cool toy on TV, but can't order it because their parents have to be over 18 to call.

   hmmm....the red nose? the flying? aiding in transporting? and nervousness? Its obvious Rudolph has a cocaine problem.

   Happy alentines ay: for those who wont be getting the V or the D.

   And this year's Oscar (Pistorius) goes to ....... Jail. (͡๏̯͡๏)

   I should really start going to bed earlier so I have more time in the morning to be late for work.

   Q: what does a nosy pepper do? A: it gets jalapeño your business. (o.O)

   White smoke emerges from Vatican chimney, indicating either the new pope has been chosen or the chicken fajitas are ready.

   jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

   so...it seems they announced the new Batman. Christian Bale fans have really Ben Affleckted by it.

   ...what do you mean I can't get change from the church collection plate? I only have $20s.

   wait....what if the extreme cold in America is actually just Disney’s advertising campaign for Frozen?