minnie haha Funny Status Messages

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party.

   I had a can of beer last night and on the side it said “Best Drunk Before August, 2012". I've just e-mailed them thanking them for that prestigious award which, of course I graciously accept....

   You will always find me in the kitchen at parties... unless you've stashed the booze in a different room.

   Well, I'm off to check out the Perseid Meteor Shower...Oh, who am I kidding? I'm gonna get drunk, fall over backwards and try to see Uranus.

   Uh-oh. My guardian angel just enrolled in the witness protection program.

   I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.

   Gin makes you Sin. And it's also an easier word to rhyme than vodka or bourbon.

   woke up this morning to a little frost on the pumpkins. Guess it's time to start wearing a bra again.

   If a tree fell in the woods and knocked over my beer, I'd be pretty darned mad whether I heard it or not.

   I am pleased to announce that the PR firm of Helland-Hunt, LLC will be handling the issuance of all apologies on my behalf from now on. So, if you're looking for an “I'm sorry” from me, please go to Helland Hunt for it..

   ahhhhh....the muscle relaxers are finally kicking in.....they work SO much better when you take them with a half bottle of vodka. Wonder why it doesn't recommend that on the prescr

   You Know You Are Too Drunk to Go Trick-or-treating:...When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over... When the door opens, you yell "Trick or...." and you can't remember the rest...

   My husband got fired from his job at the deli for putting his finger in the pickle slicer. To be fair, she got fired, too...

   What manner of devilry is this?!? Just when Colorado and Washington legalize pot - Twinkies goes out of business?!?

   maybe the Mayans were referring to the Twinkiepocalypse.

   Well that was disappointing. Not only was his name not Leonid - there were no meteors in his shower at all. I don't even think he was an astronomer.

   Look, here's the deal: If you're into immature, sexually compulsive women who drink entirely too much and need to be the center of attention at all times..... you are going to like me a lot...

   If you're still here on December 22nd, you'll know I have successfully saved the world. In appreciation, I will accept money, exotic cars, and property as a form of payment. Now, if you'll excuse me....I have a job to do.

   I hate going to elementary school concerts. I can never find a designated driver.

   It's not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn't figure out how to get the cork back in it.