mickey Funny Status Messages

   One positive thing about internet dating: you're guaranteed to click with whoever you meet.

   The other day I went for a job interview, do you think it was a bad idea to ask if they ever press charges?

   I don't consider myself a Tebow hater...that label is placed on we Tebow realists by his sycophantic minions. Just now...he threw a dead on pass...at the receiver's ankles.

   When I was in the 10th grade I was taught $ex-ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian.

   I wonder if young people on honeymoons today have as much sex as we did when I was young. For the first week on our cruise, most people thought my wife and I were Siamese twins.

   there really a benefit to listening to a Hip Hop CD in shuffle mode?

   My sofa loves playing hide n' seek with the remotes, clever ba$tard always wins too.

   My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

   Really now... a show called: "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   Women on fb. They "Poke" you a hundred times a day. Then they find Mr. Perfect for the millionth time and then disappear...until the big breakup a week later...then the Pokes start up again. DELETE!

   I have this roomie who must go thru half a roll of toilet paper every time she uses the bathroom. I'm going broke. Some people are so @nal when it comes to wiping their a$$.

   Joe Paterno has died....Now Penn State students can riot again and break more $hit.

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits I mean they would own an ice cream store, and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   I took a Russian model shopping. Got her lots of stuff. She called home and I overheard her say in Russian, "Mama, he eece a verry rich man!" Good thing she couldn't read the sign that said 'Dollar General'.

   I just watched Godzilla backwards. It's like, it's about this dinosaur who insanely pieces a city back together, then moonwalks into the ocean.

   We had a happy marriage; it was all that living together afterwards that caused the trouble.

   You can take the "trash" out of the trailer, but you can't take the "trailer" out of the trash.

   Dear fake profile with bikini pics that just friend requested me: 1. I have a great memory for hot chicks; I don't know you. 2. 52 of our "mutual friends" are idiots. 3.They're all guys......color me surprised.

   "I don't know why poor people hate me. There's always a new refrigerator box in my front yard for them to use."~ Rush Limbaugh

   Me and my recliner...we go way back.