mckibben Funny Status Messages

   Ready for my new work out video ABS of BEER!

   Was at Home Depot last night and I saw two Southwest Pilots looking for roofing material ....this can't be good!!

   next time you go to a restaurant and ask for a Coke, and they say "is Pepsi OK?", you should reply "is Monopoly money OK?"

   If you could be sold for what you think you're worth, we could all retire!

   The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

   It is so HOT in my town ... Water in public swimming pools is evaporating so fast that children are being encouraged to swim in the deep end and keep ignoring the,"no peeing" rule...

   Thinking Washington will be the answer to the world's problems is like re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

   Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

   Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, “30 days? That's like four marriages!”

   Go to Google and type in.... "DO A BARREL ROLL"

   A guy broke into my house last week, he didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Nut.....

   Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face. Read Latest Breaking News from Newsmax.

   It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants.

   Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in '95. That's 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.

   Jerk** I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   I am really glad the shutdown is over. I'll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.

   Sylvester Stallone and his buddy Arnold Schwarzenegger have teamed up, and they've got a blockbuster action movie opening this weekend. They're a little older now than they use to be, but go see the movie. It's called "Escape From Assisted Living."

   The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.

   Halloween is just over a week away now. When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”

   Despite our love of candy and fast food, the number of Americans who will live to be 100 years or older will increase dramatically. In 2010 there were 53,000 centenarians in the United States, and I have driven behind every single one.