kittykat Funny Status Messages

   waiting for boomerangs to make a comeback

   used to work for H&R Block, but it was too taxing.

   discovered last weekend that if you play a Nickelback album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Nickelback.

   fired her masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

   thinks that 99% of the people in this world are complete morons. It's a good job I'm in the other 2%.

   just had a bunch of underwear stolen. Cops are making a brief inquiry.

   hates it when old relatives come up to you at weddings and say, "You'll be next, dear". I'm sure they wouldn't be too impressed if I started saying that to them at funerals.

   kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   My boyfriend told me that he was seeing someone else because he was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.

   once read a book about anti-gravity. I just couldn't put it down.

   had some Korean meatballs last night. They were the dog's bollocks.

   discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

   wondering if Jewish doctors get paid for doing circumcisions, or just get to keep the tips.

   not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room until security shows up.

   was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door. I banged on the wall and shouted, "For f***s sake, keep it down!".

   loves a man in uniform, unless he's in my rearview mirror.

   just got barred from Bunnings. This arrogant prick in a red apron in the timber aisle just asked me if I wanted decking. Lucky I got the first punch in!

   sending more mixed signals than a dyslexic, third-base coach.

   My boss didn't know I drank, until one day I came to work sober.

   ran over an old guy's guide dog today. Lucky for me there were no witnesses.