dan Funny Status Messages

   smoking crack with his pet monkey

   "the always enjoyable giant inflatable beaver?" Bob Costas, you have crossed the threshold of being completely insufferable.

   Zombies with afros are attacking my monkey!

   HOW TO CONTROL PEOPLE: Repeatedly lie to people about a "life-ending event" in the basis of religion enough times to where they slighty believe you and have them talk about it all over the world.

   Rsvp to friends Event that I wasent invited to Yes facebook I would love to be creepy. Facebook makeing us creepy one Event at a time

   Whoa!!!!! The McRib is back in McDonald's....next thing you know they may go back to putting real meat in the hamburgers!!!!!

   I am Happy my kids are older now. But I do miss running around all night in the Pink Bunny Suit from the Christmas Story on Easter Eve.

   Mike Wallace dead at 93 - Guess his 60 minutes are up....

   I give Mark Zuckerberg new wife 3 years ..before she files ..and walks off with $1billion..not bad if you can get it.

   Stock tip: Buy Frito-Lay, Little Debbie and any other snack food stock... The people in Colorado and Washington State are going to be getting the munchies.

   I'm sick of hearing about Lance Armstrong. Is he telling the whole truth? My solution...Have Taylor Swift date him for two weeks and then wait for her next album, the whole truth will be revealed!

   I'm the one who has a problem eating a Popsicle like a normal human being. An my name is Dan.

   cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades

   not telling you

   Hey Bernie and Joe don’t need advice from two old guys wearing Depends. We need TP....

   Trump: A Brazilian has coronavirus Pelosi and Schumer: A Brazilian oh my God how many people is that????

   If you leave a dream catcher in the rain, does it become a wet dream catcher?