YourFavOriteAhole Funny Status Messages

   My dog once licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree from Everest

   I really dont understand interventions. What's the point of being told I have a drinking problem by a room full of reasons why I drink too much in the first place.

   Given that you can be anything you want on the Internet... I really don't understand why so many women portray themselves as skeeO's

   Out of all the Socially Transmitted Diseases out there, I have Instagram is my favorite.

   Thank God for my mother being so horny 31 years ago or I could have just died a slow death in a sock.

   Someone accused me of stealing his status that I stole from someone else... awkward!

   I bet Jay Leno is amazing at putting on pillow cases & folding blankets.

   Someone should really tell cab drivers not to Stink & Drive.

   You get a dozen chances to make a first impression when you're dealing with a pothead.

   The reason why it's so hard to understand Rachel Jeantel at the Zimmerman trial is not because she's uneducated, it's because she has multiple necks. So it just takes a lil longer for her words to travel.

   Guys, putting the word “Swag” in your Bio is a good way of telling girls you didn't finish school & your job is selling crack on the corner.

   Paula Dean is currently at home watching the George Zimmerman trial in disgust.