Timmy Funny Status Messages

   “According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

   The baby laughing alone in the back of the vehicle at nothing in particular goes from adorable to creepy after only a couple miles.....

   what f#cking idiot named them jet-skis instead of boatercycles

   I've finally tried Turkish Delight...it was good, but not "betray my family to the White Witch" good....

   I went to Ferguson, MO and all I looted was this lousy T-shirt...

   Not every trophy wife is first place...

   I've been on a million first dates in my life, but there is still no rejection like a toddler refusing to high five you back...

   We finally have a story to tell OUR grandchildren, "I was alive the LAST time the Cubs won the world series!"

   If you ever catch your girl smiling at her phone, it's most likely something I said.