TOM Funny Status Messages

   just Manny being Manny

   In it's purest sense, redistribution of wealth is when I buy dogfood, feed it to my dogs, and they sh#t it out all over my yard...

   Rain with sunshine today... the devil must be beating his wife.

   As I sit I wonder is it illegal to park in a handicapped bathroom stahl?

   My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.

   I've had bratwurst for 4 days straight. I think that means I have to pay taxes in Wisconsin now.

   If Death hands you lemons, just eat them. Peels and all. It really doesn't matter at that point.

   Stop laughing at Ziggy. He obviously has a medical condition.

   This economy is so bad I actually saw a guy in the back of a limo hand another guy in a limo a bottle of generic yellow mustard.

   From now on, whenever my toilet gets clogged I'm going to call it a "top kill."

   I'll bet if Andy Capp's wife took that stupid rag off her head and dolled herself up a bit, maybe he wouldnt have to get drunk all the time...

   The price of gold is at an all-time high. If I were a young rap artist, I think I'd ride out the storm in graduate school.

   Having correctly predicted the vampire craze, I now boldly predict the next pop culture phenomenon. Butlers.

   Has anyone checked on Tupac lately? He hasn't put out a posthumous album in quite a few years.

   A rolling stone gathers no moss, and that's the last time I hire Keith Richards to do my landscaping...

   It would be amazing if hyenas could watch a bunch of '80's films and start to employ the slow clap when being particularly derisive...

   Just spent several minutes looking at photos of Gwyneth Paltrow in a bikini. Now I'm going to cure cancer...

   People are busting my balls because I still have a landline. I can't get rid of it though because it matches my abacus....

   Whenever I exit a public toilet, I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting & say "Top that, cowboy."

   just found out red bull has no bull in it -- going back to beef shakes