StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken."

   The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."

   The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.

   Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles

   Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective

   I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.

   Gas prices are so high I just saw 12 Mexicans on one skateboard!

   Sorry I can't hangout, my phone is only at 61%.

   When the only light in your world is suddenly gone ...it's time to recharge your phone.

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

   I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh*t, I want you to as well.

   I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.

   I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching 'Night at the Roxbury.' "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"

   Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.

   What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

   If someone will fund it, I'll go to the rainforest and just lick stuff until I find a cool new drug.

   Amazon says that by 2015 they can make deliveries using drones, your move Jimmy Johns

   My boss told me "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," "Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him. "Really?" he asked. "No," I said.

   What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle? Wipe it off and apologize.

   when I catch a spider in the house, I tie him up and waterboard him. Then I throw him outside so he can tell his friends not to fu<k with me.