Psycho Funny Status Messages

   When I have a tough decision, I ask myself... "What would Jesus do?" Then, I remember how things turned out for him... And, flip a coin.

   My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.

   As a kid you could get excited by small stuff: findin a body, pokin it with a stick. Now you gotta poke 10 bodies with 12 sticks just to feel anythin.

   What's the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I'm mailing to someone

   We can put a man on the moon but we can't put a cat in the dishwasher

   My friends say the craziest things like "hello police" and "he's in our house again."

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions

   Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.

   People with multiple personalities scare me. Speak for yourself b*tch. That's right, you heard him.

   I'll stop being creepy when you stop sending me telepathic messages that you secretly want me.

   Nice try, but you're not getting rid of me that easily.

   Got tasered at speed dating again.

   A girl punched me today. Does that still mean she likes me? And if so, why the mace?

   In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

   If I stalked you any harder you'd be a missing person by now.

   [breaks apart couple holding hands] You're free now

   Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That's really not necessary

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop.

   Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?

   How much for the angry lawn gnome? Hey, that's my toddler.