Mel Funny Status Messages

   Whenever someone asks, "you look familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Well do you watch porn...?"

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a facebook account & a bottle of booze ...

   Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus

   realizes that sometimes the one you think is your knight in shining armour might actually turn out to be a retard in a tin foil.

   Wouldn't it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?

   The fact that there are a lot people in this world that are significantly more successful than me based solely on their hunt for Bigfoot is really sad.

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don't you eat all the food?

   We hope your holiday season is off to a great start and if it's not you'll keep that whiny $#!t to yourself.

   Just did 100 crunches, and I'll be damned if there aren't just crumbs everywhere.

   Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob, I think I've learned all that is possible for my brain to hold....

   I just saved hours of small talk by switching to fat hoes.

   If you don't think it gets lonely at the North Pole, take into consideration that Santa named one of his reindeer 'Vixen'.

   Will you be my Alentine? If so, later I will give you the V.

   If Katniss and Peeta from “Hunger Games” were Hollywood celebrities, their super couple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss.”

   If Homer Simpson were a Democratic Congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he’d be “Homer Simpson (D-OH)"