Joseph Robert Funny Status Messages

   Someone needs to tell my apt building that tapping the handle on a shower nozzle shouldn't change the temperature by thousands of degrees at once

   I would just like to point out on this momentous occasion today that historically, Roalty has always been a product of inbreeding

   I killed Bigfoot! I also have a few aliens in my basement! You gotta trust me because I said so! Oh by the way I have pictures but you can't look at them!

   I think I'm going to call in raptured to work on monday

   In memory of matcho man R.S. and in preparation for the Rapture, I'm going to buy enough slim jims to snap in to for the next five months

   kids are like farts, I can barely stand my own let alone other peoples

   Way to sully the Forever 27 club Amy Winehouse. I hope Kurt, Jimmy, and Jim Morrison run train on your skanky ass

   Coming home from work today, I just saw a guy sitting in a rowbaot in his front yard in the rain with a case of budligtht. Even though I've never met him, I'm convinced that he's good people

   If days of the week were people, Mondays would be gingers

   Some people run marathons, I watch them on my couch. Indiana Jones on Syfy!!!

   Dear girl at the bar with the smokin body, long tan legs and amazing knockers, your face looks like a man so I bet you get it from behind a lot. #KeepinItReal

   Note to self: The acronym for "Save the Date" is not appropriate to include all over a work memo

   finally a Godfather! But I'm going to let the kid call me God for short

   a black guy in a horror movie has a better chance to survive than a white girl in aruba

   The very moment I can imagine a really hot girl taking a dump, is the very second I'm no longer attracted to her

   Did anyone else feel that? Oprah must be fat again

   Hey guy walking down the street talking on bluetooth with a bag in one hand and nothing in the other, please use your free hand to slap yourself

   I'm a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees

   I don't have to be wearing a coat in july to be told I look hot!

   These people on my Facebook aren't really friends, just more of a wish list of people I want to sleep with