Jiffy Pop Funny Status Messages

   I don't simply have problems like people often talk about. I just date or marry them.

   I have never met a US Congressman I didn't find completely honest and extremely intelligent. However I may need to add I have never met a US Congressman.

   The best thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views. The worst thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views.

   Life has handed me a lot of things. Except lemons. The great mystery of life for me has not been "Why are we here?" or "What is my purpose?". Actually I'd be happy just finding out where exactly the free lemon line is.

   In my younger days I was proud to be on a "first name basis" with everyone at my job. But now as I approach retirement age I find myself to be on more of a "forgotten name basis" with my coworkers.

   Nothing makes an 80 year old Grandma from St. Louis cuss like two ballplayers in a World Series Game who simply watch an easy to catch pop fly simply fall to the ground.

   After much experience paying bank overdraft fees, I have come to believe it can't be mere coincidence that all the letters found in "Debit Card" can be rearranged to spell "baD Credit"...

   As the proud parents of a high school senior, my wife and I want our son to be successful and have all the things we couldn't ever afford. Then we want to move in with him.

   After our breakup, my ex once begged me over and over again to go out, or as my lawyer called it "Violating a Protection Order"

   “Hey, it's been 10 seconds. Check your pockets again. Maybe your missing keys have magically reappeared there.” (My Brain)

   Has anyone created a national do not poke list for Facebook yet?

   I wish I had half the respiratory health and vitality that my dog does. She smells everyone's a$$ and still never catches a cold.

   My wife actually questioned whether or not I really listen to her while the TV is on. I can't believe she actually interrupted the game just to tell me that.

   I'm not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I'm pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.

   I don't think it matters if a person is right-handed or left-handed, as long as they aren't under-handed.

   One more reason that beer is good for you is that it's easier for your body to process than most other beverages. This is because it doesn't have to stop to change color.

   Any teenager who is anxious to run his or her own life is obviously too young to do it.

   Avon stocks have lost 11% of their value this year. Apparently they are under investigation for allegedly bribing foreign officials. Well it looks like no more free lipstick and panties for Kim Jong-Un.

   Chris Brown has recently entered Rehab for anger management issues. I for one have faith in Chris. He has never faced anything that he couldn’t beat.

   Australia's highest court just denied worker's compensation to a bureaucrat who was injured while having sex during a business trip. When asked about the decision, the female employee said “Once again I got screwed".