JEREMYCAKES Funny Status Messages

   I used to live in a pineapple under the sea. But I lost it in a forclosure. Now some yellow guy lives there.

   I'll always remember the last words my dad said to me before he passed away. "What are you doing with that gun?"

   The diamond company "Debeers" has had some pretty interesting slogans. One year it was "Diamonds, will take her breath away.", last year it was "Diamonds will render her speechless.". I think this year it should be, "Diamonds, that'll shut her up."

   I'm not good in relationships.My last relationship ended when I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam up to the surface.

   in the words of the chef on the muppet show - "Orshky Borshky Chicken!"

   using a lightsaber to chop vegitables.

   I woke up this morning and turned on the tv. This tv evangelist was on and he said"you may not know this, but already you have SINNED." I said what could I have done? I just woke up.I'm not even out of bed. I turned and asked my sister and she didn't know

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!

   here to remind you to help control the golfer population. Have your tiger spayed or neutered.

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they ate all my oreos and were always peeing on my toilet seat.

   They say you can't outrun a charging bear. But really you don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun whoever you're with. That's why I only camp with slow people.

   Have you ever looked up the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? A hand comes out of the page and slaps you across the face.

   Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you'll feed him for life. Give a octopus nunchuks and nobody's going to bother those fish again.

   I saw a U.F.O at a football game the other night. It was just hangin there! And then it sent me a message,in big bright shiny letters. It told me I was gonna have a good year.

   I wonder, if I drive by myself, does it still count as a carpool since I'm bringing the voices in my head with me?

   Have you ever had one of those bad days when you felt like you were the thong and the world was Rosie O donnell?

   Well another gold for Canada in hockey. Gotta love it! You americans played a good game but this was our night. But you americans don't need to feel bad, one of your teams will probily be bringing home the Stanley Cup, so it kinda evens out.

   I love the idea of Canada and America sitting down for a bud and a labatts. While we're at it we should have some apple pie and some poutine. America and Canada are like two brothers. We may argue alot but in the end we're family. Hey america. you ROCK!

   Pat Robertson blamed hurricane Katrina on sexual sin,he blamed the Haiti earthquake on a supposed pact with satan. We havn't had any severe disaster up here in Canada yet but he'll probily blame it on the success of Justin Bieber or Pamela anderson.

   Hopefully Paris Hilton never becomes a vampire. Sure she loves the nightlife, but she'll go nuts not being able to see her refection every 10 minutes.