Hot Tea Funny Status Messages

   I think I'm ready for a man in my life again. I cleaned out one drawer...in the kitchen, two inches of hanger space...in the hall closet and enough room for one pair of shoes...on the porch.

   the definition of Door: What my dog is perpetually on the wrong side of!

   I don't know who's apartment I stayed at last night, but I just showered here and their shampoo is PHENOMINAL.

   's doctor advised her to eat better, excercise more and quit drinking. Incidentally, X has out lived her last three doctor's that suggested the same thing.

   an angel. When someone breaks my wings, I simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. I am flexible.

   changed the title of today from: Bill Paying Day to Check Writing Day. Yes, I am writing checks...but the bills are not necessarily gonna get paid. We'll see who posts them at the bank faster! Moooowahahahahaha

   Not surprisingly, slow-cooked Leprechauns taste just like corned beef!

   running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.

   Wonders how much I will go for on ebay. Let the bidding begin!!!

   wants to change out the sound of her car horn for gun fire. I mean, who has an urge to blow a trumpet when you get road rage anyhow?

   If you're not with me, you're against me!! And, if you're against me...well, hello there!! ;)

   Sometimes, the problem is your underwear.

   DEFENITION: Jagermeister - Irreversable decisions in a bottle.

   Veteran: Someone that wants to choke the crap out of the punk in front of you for not taking his hat off during the National Anthem. Someone that still gets queasy around dehydrated food. Someone that has to use all their might to not tear up during "Taps

   The combination of wet-phlegm laryngitis and requesting Mucinex D from the pharmacist produced comedic results that cannot be cleanly reproduced on Facebook.

   Does anyone know the over under on people getting trampled to death at the Great Wal-Mart of China next week?

   The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn't work. I'm going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.

   It's 2011. You'd think we'd have a toothpaste that doesn't ruin orange juice by now.

   Yes Officer, I do know why you pulled me over. To single-handedly destroy any chance I had of accomplishing my New Years Resolution goal of becoming a Saint before the sun even came up this morning.

   Apparently riding the dog like it's a small horse is FROWNED UPON in this ESTABLISHMENT!