Grifter Funny Status Messages

   You and I wake up in jail together. Using only FOUR words, what would you say to me? Leave me a comment.... Then copy and paste this in your status and see what funny things your friends say....(if you make a comment you have to put this in your status)

   A law that made it illegal to lie about military medals has just been overturned. On a side note, my resumé just got a lot more interesting......

   I just wish my mouth had a backspace key....

   Being a politician is a lot like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're screwing them....

   A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed....

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case...

   got his test results back this morning and is shocked to find that he's been diagnosed with OCD. He's called the doctors nine times to check if they're correct....

   Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks....

   I went to a bookstore last night and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose....

   It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up...

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car....

   The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   New TSA slogan: "It's not a grope....It's a freedom pat"

   Fun idea of the day: Don't have kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.....

   I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire....

   It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol....

   Wouldn't it be great if Ctrl+Alt+Del worked on stupid people?

   Have you ever looked at someone and said to yourself, "Life would be so much better if their mom had just swallowed"?

   as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar....

   I wish I could commute to work by roller-coaster....