Gman Funny Status Messages

   I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped my ass with a dryer sheet. Now my ass is soft, static free, and outdoor fresh.

   Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.

   Hindsight is $20.20. Don't even ask what she charged to see her boobs.

   Monogamy and mahogany are both rare types of long-lasting wood.

   My Dentist says I need to be more aggressive when flossing, so I'm going to start barking.

   I just found a bag filled with cigarette butts, a used pregnancy test, and a bunch of empty PBR cans. I'm calling it "Trailer Mix."

   Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging.

   I thought about joining the neighborhood watch... But my neighbors just aren't that attractive.

   Oops. My "check liver" light just came on.

   I'm designing a solar-powered automatic flushing toilet for people like my ex who think the sun shines out of their ass.

   If her ass had a red "you are here" dot on it, I'd never get lost in thought.

   A recent study concluded that staring at women's boobs for 10 minutes a day increases life expectancy. In other news, I turn 137 this month.

   She told me she'd sleep with me when pigs fly, so you can imagine how happy I am to see that police helicopter over my house right now.

   The Netherlands have 800 miles of massive dikes? That's one hell of a parade.

   My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.

   “Oprah's Secret” sounds like a new line of plus-sized lingerie.

   If the internet is the superhighway... Facebook is that bad accident backing up traffic for miles because everyone can't help staring at it.

   The early worm gets the bird. ┌∩┐(◕_◕)┌∩┐

   I read someone gets divorced every 10 to 13 seconds. I'm not one to judge people, but that guy gets married wayyy too much.

   Considering I'm broke, I wonder if she'll let me be her sugar-free daddy.