Gil Funny Status Messages

   I'm buying 100 Gyro-bowls for Christmas. I'm tired of spilling my vodka when I stumble out of the bathroom. who wants one?

   BREAKING NEWS: Rudolph commits suicide after Santa upgrades to GPS

   Dear Kardashians, your 15 minutes was up a few months ago...

   only 4 more days before you all make resolutions you won't keep anyway

   Dating websites should model themselves after facebook, with an ugly button.

   What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?…. Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

   Do you think it's OK to cross out the word LOVE on a Valentines card and replace it with "WANNA F&@K"?

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, some poems rhyme, others don't

   This year's national billiards tournament in Vegas was cancelled. Charlie Sheen bought up all the eight-balls.

   I'm pretty sure when Charlie Sheen said he had "Tiger Blood" in him, he was referring to the golfer, not the animal. duh!..Winner!

   Today is International Women's day AND ALSO Fat Tuesday.. Coincidence??...I think not

   HPAPY ST PTARCIK'S DYA. Kiss me, I'm drunkish!

   I'm going to rename my iPhone "virginity", so I can run up and down halls screaming "I lost my virginity!!" several times a year.

   Ziplock: making a fortune off potheads since 1980

   This purple unicorn sitting next to me, while smoking a crack pipe, is saying that I drink too much. I told him to stop smoking crack cocaine. Stupid unicorn drug addicts.

   I just changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so my computer reminds me every time I forget...

   After hearing the news that an AirFrance jumbojet clipped a Delta Airlines plane, France immediately surrendered.

   I bought a race horse and named it "my face" just so I can hear women shouting "come on my face!"

   Dear T-Rex, Brontosaurus, & Velociraptor. Sorry I ran out of space on my Ark for you.... Noah

   90% of the prison poulation believes in God. 90% of The Academy of Sciences are atheists. Personally, I'd rather have the guy in the white lab coat as a bunk mate