GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I married my wife for her good looks but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

   Soooo, I went to Home Depot to pick up a power washer and BBQ grill. With everyone wearing face masks 😷I brought home the wrong wife. After shes done with the deck I'm taking her back! 🤣 🤣 🤣

   Move heathen! Get out of my way! Move heathen! Get out of my way! - me driving down the highway in the morning

   Marriage tip #3: When you have to run some errands and your wife doesn't want to go with you, just grab yourself some Dunkin Donuts, don't get her any. When she asks why you didn't grab her anything, just say, "If you truly loved me, you would have gone w

   Marriage tip #4: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   Marriage tip #5: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!

   Marriage tip #6: When your wife is laying down on the couch, ask her if she plans on doing anything today. This will subconsciously remind her that she has chores to do that need done, and she needs to get up and start doing her chores.

   Marriage tip #7: The first thing you ask your wife when she comes to the door from work is what she going to make for dinner? She will appreciate it because you are putting your family's needs first above your own.

   Marriage tip #8: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   Marriage tip #12: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   Marriage tip: The first thing you need to ask your wife to do after an eleven-hour work day is give you a serious back rub. Explain to her that playing Xbox all day long really takes a toll on your muscles!

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   My mom has been attending her own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   ATTENTION EVERYONE: I have an announcement to make. Santa just confirmed that I have been very good this year!

   Christmas is truly a magical time. It's made all my money disappear!

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party.

   Dear Santa: Either you give me what I want for Christmas or I'll turn Rudolph and Comet into a piece of deer jerky. Make it happen, fat man!

   Please keep your dogs and children quiet in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night setting off fireworks. Thank you!

   To save time, let's just assume I'm never wrong.