Dp Funny Status Messages

   if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

   I've been eating Cheerios for years and never once have I felt like dancing before, during or after eating them

   Curosity killed the cat, but I was suspect for a while

   My wife accused me of being immature, I told her to get out of my fort

   Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet

   The earliest bird gets the worm, and the second mouse gets the cheese

   If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a few payments

   Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

   I can't be the only one who hasn't seen a Taylor Swift video

   my mind used to be like a steel trap, now it's like the cart you get at the store with the bad wheel

   Bacon is loaded with sodium, nitrates, grease and animal fat...... Breakfast

   My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?

   Just once I would like to cross my I's and dot my T's

   If you're pausing for dramatic effect.... just keep it going

   The only way I'll watch Jerry McGuire is if you show me the money

   I want to hear 99 people sing 'Africa' by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.