Brafty Crastard Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner.

   A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

   Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, “Don't ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand.”

   I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?” I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

   I wish instead of aiming to please, I could just start shooting to kill. I think it would make me feel better.

   Let's see how long I can hold your breath under water.

   When people stutter I have a really bad urge to shout "REMIX!"

   Just scratched 2+2=5 on the back bumper of a smart car.

   Life is like soup, only the hot ones get blown.

   I went to the store today to buy a bag of air. To my surprise there were a couple doritos in it.

   My girlfriend is a porn star, she's going to be so pissed when she finds out.

   I went to a "family style" restaurant, they yelled at me the whole time.

   You know your drunk when you get home from the bar, then grab and throw your hamster yelling "go pikachu!"

   Say "eye" then spell "map" and then say "ness". :P

   Your phone has more computing power now then all of NASA had in 1969. They launched a man into space, we launched angry birds into pigs.

   What are the three fastest forms of communication? Television, telephone, tellawoman.

   Facebook should have a who cares button.

   Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire

   Sorry I'm not rioting, my tracksuit is in the wash.

   On the 4th day of rioting my tru love gave to me, 3 Nike trainers, two ps3's, and a samsung HDTV !