@williamhale1 Funny Status Messages

   ♫ “The best part of waking up…. is not dying in your sleep!” ♫

   To my son's future girlfriends: If you ever want him to, you know, go down there, then just shave it into a dinosaur shape. That's how we got him to eat chicken.

   Casey Anthony tried to celebrate her acquittal last night at Chili's but waiters kept walking by singing, "I want my babyback babyback babyback... I want my babyback babyback babyback..."

   I think I had too much to drink last night because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. That might not sound bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems.

   Not So Good Pick-up Line #7: Girl, your dad must be a lobster… because all your meat is in the tail!

   Sorry, but I don't take relationship advice from single people. That's like taking advice on how to jump hurdles from a dude with no legs.

   The TRUE pregnancy test is whether he'll stick around if it's positive.

   "You can't have your cake and eat it too." - People who obviously don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake

   No matter how tough, hardcore, or badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you WILL answer it.

   Did you know if you hit someone really hard with a hammer, they IMMEDIATELY start planking?

   If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest dammit! KNEES TO CHEST!

   Do you really have "haters" or are people just telling the truth and you're actually just an a$$hole? Check into that for us. .

   It's not considered a "mood" if you're always in it. At that point, it's just YOU being a D-BAG!

   Can't wait to see whatever movie they're filming in London right now. Looks bad ass.

   Scotland Yard is at a loss at how to stop rioters from coordinating looting via Blackberry. If only they knew someone who could hack phones.

   It's now being reported that two earthquakes hit the New Jersey area. In other words, Snooki fell twice.

   I'm about to head to the bar and pretend to be blind so women will let me touch their faces.... good times...

   I wonder if Sarah Palin could see Russia from on top of Glen Rice.

   I would totally vote for Herman Cain but only if he introduces himself at the next debate by singing... ♪♪ Here I am!! Rock you like a Herman Cain!! ♪♪

   I would totally vote for Herman Cain but only if he introduces himself at the next debate by singing, "Here I am!! Rock you like a Herman Cain!! "