@ttmichael09 Funny Status Messages

   My wife asked me with loving eyes, "What did I do to deserve you?" I responded, "I'm guessing something horrible in a past life!"

   Hello welcome to marriage anonymous." Hi, I'm Todd. It's been 12 years since my last decision. I had an independent thought yesterday that I almost said aloud but I called my sponsor and we talked through it & I stayed quiet!"

   If you've never stubbed your toe on a sock. You've never been in a teenage boys bedroom!

   I learned that just because you wake up naked in your back yard after a full moon and don't remember anything it doesn't mean you're a werewolf!

   I would like to have sex with the first woman I ever had sex with just to show her how much better I am now. I'd be like, "Hell yeah baby, look who doesn't cry during sex anymore!"

   It's official...my childhood punishments are now my adult goals! Going to bed early, forced to stay inside, naps, and eating healthy!

   At 51, I've realized that if I don't get enough sleep, I'm an asshole during the day. If I get too much sleep, I'm still an asshole, but happy!

   My car's a little dirty so one of my co-workers wrote "Wash me" on it. So, I took my key and scratched in, "Touch me up" on his car.

   We went and saw "Oppenheimer" Saturday night and when we left we heard a teenager say,"I liked Batman better!"? WTF did he expect?

   I respect your right to freedom of speech but I don't have to agree with what you say. And...guess what! That's okay!

   If what you have to say to me is going to take longer than the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" just don't! I won't be listening anyway

   I never let anyone drive me crazy, because I know it's within walking distance!

   Don't you hate it when you start treating someone like they treat you and they suddenly think you're an asshole?

   I'm already losing an hour on Sunday for daylight savings time. No way in hell am I losing more by watching the Oscars!

   Did our government only admit to UFO's because we're going to start sending their planets money for aid?

   Amazon Prime day is the equivalent to Scholastic Book Day when I was in school! Damn I'm old!

   To all politicians: Keep sending me texts and I can promise you one thing - I won't be voting for you!

   Settle an argument.. If a man is doing laundry and sneezes is it ok to blow his nose in a pillowcase?